«On What Happened»
«To sum it up: my mother thinks my brothers and I are harboring smocked dresses. In her mind we are deliberately withholding them, and this is a very very bad thing. Period.
A person experiencing untreated schizophrenia is typically characterized as demonstrating disorganized thinking, and as experiencing delusions.
The problem is, when I got her torn up piece of shit legal pad note in the mail, I went numb. All of my emotional systems shut down. Except for the fact that I was vibrating internally, the panic attack was suppressed as I almost wholly refused to speak for the rest of the evening. I didn't cry.
The term schizophrenia translates roughly as "shattered mind," and comes from the Greek schizo, "to split" or "to divide" and phren, "mind".
I screamed in the car. I put on my brave face. I went to therapy and was so affected when trying to discuss the situation, my mouth went dry. I could hardly speak from the internal shaking. And I still didn't cry.
Although no common cause of schizophrenia has been identified in all individuals diagnosed with the condition, currently most researchers and clinicians believe it results from a combination of both brain vulnerabilities (either inherited or acquired) and stressful life-events.
Yesterday at work, there were too many people in the lonely basement office and my systems were overstimulated. I kept a smiley face, spoke clearly and quietly, suppressed the vibrations, and finally came home.
Childhood experiences of abuse or trauma have also been implicated as risk factors for a diagnosis of schizophrenia later in life.
Then the cat meowed. Like 25 times. So I threw shit: into the hallway. Into the kitchen. And the next thing I remember, my husband was holding me where he found me: fetal on the red rug, sobbing and heaving on the kitchen floor.
Since psychosis is associated with greater levels of right brain hemisphere activation and a reduction in the usual left brain hemisphere dominance, our language abilities may have evolved at the cost of causing schizophrenia when this system breaks down.
Fuck this is dramatic. I'm sorry.
Researchers into shamanism have speculated that in some cultures schizophrenia or related conditions may predispose an individual to becoming a shaman.
Everytime I hear from my mother, which is on average once a year, it brings up everything I have ever gone through with and about her. Except this time, it was different---I have never felt so fucking destroyed. Something inside of me shifted this time around. A bottom dropped. A wall up. A light out.
Individuals who are at risk for developing a psychotic illness usually experience mental and emotional changes before more serious symptoms develop. These early signs are often non-specific, sometimes, even barely noticeable. The unexpected decline in a person's usual way of functioning or relating to others is the most common indicator of an early sign of risk. This early period is called the "prodromal" period (or Prodrome) by psychiatrists.
I had my last day with the newage boss (who's off meditating with monks for a week in silent retreat). I start a new job on Monday. I regret that Mother knows how to find me, and that's what feels worst of all.
For in that tragedy, madness ends in catastrophe.»
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